Yes, it is another column about BlackBerrys. Over the years, I reminisced about When Life Was Simple and BlackBerries Were Fruit, sneered at those who take their hand-helds into the bathroom, and cautioned about BlackBerries on the Beach and Other Ways to Ruin Your Vacation. Leave it to me to beat a dead subject.
And there was a death. In fact, it was on the eve of my vacation when my BlackBerry died. There was no warning and no time to prepare myself. It was preceded by the usual pre-vacation flurry of activity — clearing out the in-bin full of back-piled periodicals, watering the plants and cutting away dead leaves, and plowing through the never-ending bevy of e-mails.
There was no traumatic accident, no flickers of sickness, just a sudden, unexplainable death. It was very late. I finished packing and picked up my trusted BlackBerry to reset the alarm clock for my early morning flight (the Calypso alarm tone is my favorite). The screen was lit but I could not see anything. No e-mail. No calendar. No address book. No BrickBreaker. Just a clear screen. I could hear the tones as messages were received but could not do see or do anything about them. I tried to resuscitate. I plugged in the charger. I turned it on and off. I took out the battery and then the SIM card. I counted to 10. I tried it all over again. And again.
I called the 24-hour technology help line. Now I confess, I am technologically challenged. I am not sure what my issues are, but I seem to have bad computer karma. I spend way too much hourglassing and searching for lost e-mail and seem to be forever in technology retrograde. No kidding, my home computer restarted itself in the middle of writing this column (luckily, I had just saved).
The help-desk folk are usually quite helpful and have talked me through crashes and proxied in to get me connected countless times. Not this time. My technician did everything he could to diagnose, treat, and save our patient. He asked me about my BlackBerry use … and abuse. No, I did not drop it or get it wet or connect it to a cheap charger — at least not recently. He tried all the trouble shots and finally pronounced my BlackBerry dead.
At first, I was in denial. I had no time to grieve, though, and realized I needed to accept the death and adapt. I kept it plugged in, hoping it would somehow spontaneously come back to life. I considered bringing along my laptop, which is a personal rule I did not want to break, especially after I looked at my suitcase and carry-on bag. My plan had been to keep my BlackBerry close by on my trip — after all, it is also my phone, address book, calendar, internet connection, and tip calculator. I planned on stealth e-mail monitoring, checking only a few times a day and responding only if absolutely necessary.
Now I was completely disconnected and was leaving town for almost a week. My flight was just a few hours away, long before anyone would be in the office to fix or replace my unresponsive device. If I did fall asleep, how would I wake up without the Calypso alarm?!
A few hours later, I took the lifeless BlackBerry with me, along with a charger and a diminishing hope for a miraculous recovery. I soon realized the extent of my addiction to the aptly nicknamed CrackBerry. One of my first realizations was how disconnected I really was — to my family, friends, colleagues, and to my own information, like my flight and hotel details and my frequent flyer number.
I improvised. I creatively used other resources. I managed to keep the lines of communication appropriately open without being constantly connected. And I obtained some much-needed separation. It was liberating, and I dare you to try it. Okay, I admit I relented after three days and obtained a replacement with a little help from my friends Jane and Irene. It was purely out of iPhone envy, though, but thats a story for another column.
During those disconnected days, I carried the BlackBerry around with me. I finally removed the battery out of frustration from hearing the messages arrive but being unable to see, read, or reply to them. As my thumbs twitched, I started thinking of other uses for my dead BlackBerry.
I remembered a book from almost 30 years ago that spent months on the best-seller lists, 101 Uses for a Dead Cat. I like cats, so I never really got the humor behind a book full of cartoons of dead cats being used as chimney sweeps and salad tongs and 99 other things.
I stopped at 10 uses for my dead BlackBerry and thought Id share them with you. As always, I would love to hear any suggestions you have.
1. Hold open an elevator door. Why risk a hand or foot when you can just use your BlackBerry to holdopen the closing door? Hold on tightly, though, as it is the perfect width to fit down an elevator shaft if you do let go.
2. Carry on a fake phone conversation. I travel alone, and my I occasionally think of my BlackBerry as a security measure even if I am just pretending to be in a phone conversation without someone on the other end. I have not needed to use it yet, but also think it could be helpful in self-defense.
3. See in the dark. Luckily for me, I still had a lit screen, which allowed the BlackBerry to work as a great flashlight. The first time I saw someone use a BlackBerry as a flashlight was a lady sitting next to me at a Broadway show. I am always amazed to see the flickers of small screens in the audiences of shows and movies. But when her husband dropped his keys, the light from this ladys screen really came in handy. If you know Morse code, it could even be used to signal for help.
4. Put it to use as a door jam.
5. Even out the legs of an uneven table. Just prop it under the shorter leg to make your dining experience not go aslant. Remember to take it with you though in case you run into any more uneven tables.
6. Entertain a child or annoy a dog. The ringtones will amuse for over an hour and, if the sound is not working, the case can be used as a terrific hand puppet.
7. Swatting flys. It is also a helpful tool for tossing into cobwebs to clear the dusty corners of your garage.
8. Pressing hamburgers. This comes in really handy at summer barbecues. Please clean thoroughly before and after, especially if you already used it under a table or door, to tease your dog or to swat at flies and spiders.
9. Coaster. Why risk a nasty ring on your coffee table or desk? The case collects any overfill spills.
10. As an all-purpose tool for at least 101 miscellaneous household chores, from a crumb sweeper to a spackle applier, to a hammer, to a chisel. The original MacGyver could have a field day with all of the possible purposes so, the next time you are searching for a tool, think dead BlackBerry.
In writing this months column, I learned a great deal about dead BlackBerry. Each month, I spend time online, reviewing the literature and checking my facts. I will not subject you to sharing all I learned about the history of hand-held devices or all of the technical tips for fixing broken ones.
I do want to share one related find that distracted and amused me and so may be worth a click, The Dead Computer Contest Finalists, a look at harvesting and repurposing computer parts. My favorites of the proposed uses for dead computers were the colorful, classic MacPlanters for gardeners everywhere, the cat bed computer monitor, and YaHookah!, the computer you can smoke.
I realize I risk offending my information technology friends, but am hoping since it is July, they are at the beach, and not reading this month. They know I kid and that I would never purposely abuse my BlackBerry. And I know I can survive without it … and have plenty of ideas on what to do with it if it dies.
Molly Peckman is director of associate development at Dechert and a frequent writer and lecturer on law firm life and professional development.