Cat window perch

Now and then, even the really stupid things have their curious little lessons.

Let us begin with the sprayed and teased utter freak show that is The Real Housewives Of [Various Places], the New Jersey iteration of which wraps up its season tonight. (Fortunately, the DC version remains in full swing.)

Compare it to the sunburnt and unkempt utter freak show that is Big Brother, which is currently slogging through another season in which an unappealing crowd of witless dolts is narrowed down until only one witless dolt remains to claim his or her large cash prize.

One of these time-gobbling summer franchises features rich people who can go anywhere (including, hello, The White House); one features mostly semi-employed actor wannabes who are locked in a fake house for months with no contact with the outside world and cant even have a magazine. One has a stilted competition format full of fake rituals and nominations and competitions; one is supposedly just following rich people around while they live their glamorous lives with their uncomfortable husbands and uncomfortably roped-in children. One relies on a group of strangers; one relies on a group of people who theoretically know each other.

And yet, in every important way, theyre exactly the same show.*

Why? Because wealth and confinement function exactly the same way on these two shows, acting as a sort of lifestyle sensory deprivation chamber that seems to lead to the pettiest and most enduring grudges on television.

If youve never watched anything Real Housewives-related (and really, good for you), let me sum up most of the plotlines in the shows history: Someone Wants An Apology. Somebody did something to somebody else, and the somebody else just cant believe it, and they spend all of their time telling everyone to whom they speak that the lack of an apology is consuming their every thought to the point where they can barely sit through a mani-pedi without twitching. Usually there is a fashion show involved. (And yes, some of it is staged. At the same time, I am entirely convinced most of those who go to war absolutely do hate each other.)

Meanwhile, Big Brother features a ridiculous amount of crying and emotional superreacting, which has recently included a couple who decided they were soulmates after about four days of making out, and then a guy who lay on a hammock (I think it was a hammock; I cannot bear to fact-check whether it was actually the chaise) crying to himself, all the while telling himself that it was, after all, only Big Brother a point somewhat undermined by his position lying in the hammock/chaise, crying.

At some point this summer, it all became clear: the rest of us are saved from becoming these people in part by the fact that we have to get up every day and do stuff.

I, personally, dont have a lot of time to nurse grudges against my friends, because of rent-paying and grocery-shopping obligations. I mean, I doubt I would anyway, but who would have the energy? Who would babysit my friends kids if they went to war with me? Who would drive me to the airport if I went to war with them? Getting over grudges is utilitarian. Being somewhat judicious in your choice of things to get incredibly upset about is the only way youre going to have enough time left over to make dinner.

The only people who have the room to carry their grievances in their pockets all the time are the people whose pockets are otherwise empty, figuratively speaking.

And so, in order to produce this level of foolishness this reliably, you pretty much have to start with people whose need to prioritize has been suspended. They either have to have no options or too many options nothing to do because they arent allowed, or nothing to do because they dont have to. Whether theyre idled by money or idled by being locked on a soundstage, being idled makes the right people (or maybe the wrong people) behave very, very similarly. It stills their minds too much, it isolates them, it stops them from interrupting their own little drama parades the way they should.

This is why you get drama on Survivor, but less of it. On that show, you actually do have to make a fire and get food and so forth. Yes, theres fighting, but its not the only thing people do all day, and occasionally, people get over things. Its the same thing on The Amazing Race youre buying plane tickets, youre trying to find where Norsensoogenwaagen STREET is, as opposed to Norsensoogenwaagen ROAD (yes, I made those up), and with relatively rare exceptions, your distractions keep you at least a little bit occupied.

See also: Top Chef and Project Runway there are certainly interpersonal stories, but theyre not so ceaseless. Give people even a couple of things they actually have to do, and they wont spend all their time lying on hammocks and crying or running around country clubs crying.

So as you pay your bills and cook your dinner and take your cat to the vet, take a moment and thank your life for containing at least a few small challenges you have to meet on a given day. Your unrelenting routine may be one of your weapons against becoming kind of a horrible person.

*Importance is relative.

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In the Hammock: Rachel thinks that everyone will cheer when she gets evicted. Brendon thinks that Lane, Enzo, and Hayden are good people, but he is blinded by the poo-nanny and she has him wrapped around her finger. Rachel says that when she is behind closed doors all she does is talk sh*, like in the bath with me, but when she is with the guys, she is all oh lets play pool.

Brendon says that in the comps…. goes on about it being geared towards smaller frames. Rachel says what are they going to do for drama when she leaves? Rely on Ragan for it?  He isnt even a fabulous gay guy, he is a (sorry, lost it) and then says that he makes up stories about bat people. Brendon wants a comp with swimming or going to the bottom of the pool. He says that Matt is not that strong, he just got lucky with two comps that are similar. She goes on about his footie pajamas and how he is personal in putting them up for no reason. She says he is not cool for being in a band and having tats and his wife is his groupie. One of his songs is about his dead cat with the fur in a frame. He plays the House of Blues?

Britney said to her that they had good luck up to now. She says f*, they worked their a*es off. Rachel says that going first was really bad in that comp because you didnt get to see how it worked, and he says that second was just as bad. He is frustrated when they didnt stop the time when it hit and didnt fall, but it hadnt happened yet. He says that with you being gone it will be hard for him because he is over the people in the house, the fake a* people, except he likes Hayden, Enzo and Lane. He says that he cant bs backstab and be fake. He says that saying it is nothing personal doesnt make me want to be nice to you. He is only five foot four and probably has a little d*k.

Nobody is going to care when he is out of here. He doesnt want to give him his vote now, he wants someone who played a clean game. He says that Britney stabbed in the back as much as anyone in the game, she is just prettier. Not Ragan, not Kathy.  It will be Enzo or Hayden who will get his vote. Rachel says that he is going to have to win a POV or HOH every week, because every single person will try to put her up, and it wiill be the same for you.

Rachel says that her boobs are messed up and she wonders if people see that, one is rounder than the other. She asks him if he can tell and he says he doesnt know she doesnt let him touch them. He reaches out and she slaps him playfully.

In the kitchen Enzo and Lane are talking about workouts at the table. Enzo says that they have a pool tournament today. He says that he lost to Brendon, cmon, like Italy losing to New Zealand. He is off his game because they are chirping in his ear. It is good now that he thinks he can win because now he will smash him. Enzo tells Lane that he says that he told Matt that he was intimidating and physical. Even when they f* you up, they compliment you. He says that they are going one two, so it will go away. Ragan wants a drama free day and Lane says drama makes the day go faster. They see them in the hammock and say, Oh they are up early and scheming. Enzo thinks that last nights laugh was because she ripped him up in he DR and was laughing about it when she passed him. He says like they havent been ripped up in the DR.

Ragan says that he is self aware that he wasnt in the frame to talk to her last night. He says that with her she will come back with excuses and he needs to be at a point when he talks to her that he wont get mad at her bs. He isnt trying to be mean, but actually trying to be nice.

Enzo says that anytime you go in there you are bait to talk to because they have no one else to talk to. Lane asks if he makes a face in the dark and he says yeah, but he watches his noise.

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Dear Mr. President,

Former President Carter has returned from North Korea with yet another American who wound up unwittingly jailed there, and of course former President Clinton (to be distinguished I think from the still possible future President Clinton, but thats another letter) did the same thing some time back with those two women. If you need to cut expenses, you might consider eliminating some positions in the US Marshall Service, since it appears the transfer of prisoners can be aptly handled by retired presidents. Ha!

I have long favored the precedent that former chief executives ought to fade into the woodwork and leave the stage entirely to the standing president. (Or sitting one; I dont know what position you are in as you read this. You could be in a hammock for all I know.) That said, these rather symbolic, humanitarian type missions seem well suited to their skills and role in our nations history. Btw, if you ever need me for such work I will also be happy to help, but I have a feeling Id be called only to do something like fetch a cat that an ambassador left behind in Albania. Well, you know how i feel; anything for my country.

Of course the danger of calling the former stars of the show back to the main stage is that they might start feeling the urge for a revival of their old act; spouting all sorts of notions about policy, and international relations, and how the drapes you picked out just dont work at all with the Oval Office motif.

For all of your criticism of your immediate predecessor, youll have to admit he has generally kept a very circumspect silence about the plans you have pursued even when they clearly would not have been his. Heck, I had a former girlfriend who continued to criticize my decisions for ages after we parted. The phone would ring out of nowhere.

Hello?

Hi. Were you sleeping?

Yes.

Remember that argument we had four years ago? Well, youre still wrong.

So be grateful for small favors from big friends.

Speaking of big friends, I interviewed the actor Brad Pitt this week, and while I would not presume to call that the start of a friendship (Hey, Brad, want to go bowling?) it was nice enough. Oddly enough, I had to deal with many more questions of logistics and security talking to him than I ever have when Ive visited a former president. Go figure. I considered goofing on all the handlers that were swirling around by greeting him with, Hi Val! You were great in Batman!

Fortunately I restrained myself. Im fairly sure if Id openly teased an uber-celeb like that I would have been shipped off to a North Korean prison myself, and youd be dispatching another president to bring me home. At least I hope you would.

Foreman? Leave him there. At least it will stop those stupid letters.

I have to go. The phone is ringing. Probably my old girlfriend.

Regards,

Tom

Follow Tom on Twitter @tomforemancnn.

Find more of the Foreman Letters here.

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By MONICA BRANDIES

Tribune correspondent

Published: August 25, 2010

In the 1920s, a section of Brandon just west of Kingsway Road was divided into 1-acre plots with house and chicken coop by the Kingsway Poultry Co. The residents grew the poultry for both eggs and meat for the Tampa market. The company folded in the 30s, but several of the homes remain in very good condition.

Linda and Joe Benz own one of these and cherish its history.

Some local people found a brochure about the company in an antique store in Delaware on vacation. They turned it in to the county, and the county made us a copy, really interesting, Linda said. The brochure had a photo of the house next door.

This is our fourth home in Brandon and I had my eye on it for some time before we got it, says Linda, who has filled it with wonderful antiques that bring back many memories to older visitors. The chicken coop was still here when we came 11 years ago, but it was in such bad shape we had to take it down. We built a garage instead.

She has a nice potting bench along the front of the garage and roses along the side toward the house.

Two huge live oaks give dappled shade to much of the back area, and Joe mows the lawn on a riding mower in spite of needing oxygen. Linda has planted lovely shrubs around the house.

My hydrangeas bloomed well in the late spring, she said, and jacobinias and Don Juan rose keep blooming in flushes. We have a huge azalea in the back and plumbagos in the front. She is trying several ground covers in the front where the shade is deeper.

Plants in containers and more antiques decorate the porch and its steps and railings and more plants thrive on the back porch where the cat enjoys them. A gazebo and hammock under one of the oak trees is surrounded by ruellias and azaleas.

Best of all she has plenty of room to plant the Queen Annes lace like she and her daughters picked for bouquets in upstate New York before moving to Florida and on visits back.

Todays pick

Tithonia rotundifolia, Mexican sunflower, is an annual that you can grow from seed planted now and have bloom by November. The red-orange or golden yellow daisies grow on plants that can get 5 feet tall unless you plant a dwarf variety, so pinch them so they will branch. They like full sun and attract butterflies. They often self-sow for future years.

Nows the time to…

Prepare your soil and your plans for the fall vegetable garden. Most things can be planted in early to mid-September. Cole crops, cabbage, collards, broccoli, cauliflower and kale will grow all winter long. Beans should go in early enough to mature before cold weather.

While you are buying seeds, get some for nasturtiums, calendulas, dill and arugula. Watch for seedlings coming up if you had nasturtiums or pansies last year.

Upcoming events

bull;The Falkenburg Road Jail will hold a plant sale from 8 am to noon Friday on the west side, adjacent to the Windhorst stoplight entrance. Many kinds of plants will be for sale at reasonable prices. Proceeds go to the horticulture vocational program.

bull;The Tampa Audubon Society presents Nature Auction and Frolic with Frogs Friday at Lake Park, 17302 N. Dale Mabry Highway. Get a close-up view of frogs found in our area while learning to recognize their calls, then take a walk to see and hear them in their natural habitat. Come at 6 pm to bid at the silent auction for frog, bird, and nature related items, followed at 7 pm by a live auction of bird and bat houses, books and other fun items. The event is free but the county park fee is $2 per car. Participants should bring flashlights. For information or a reservation, contact trip leader Jo Anne Hartzler at (813)310-7676 or e-mail usarealty@msn.com.

Monica Brandies can be reached at monicabrandies@yahoo.com.

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Kitchen:  Ragan, Enzo, Hayden, Lane eating  (noisily as usual).

Talking about what Lane got in his basket.  (They all have sock puppets on their hands.  It’s actually kind of funny.)  For some reason, Enzo is sitting at the counter, not at the table with the others. (Not sure where Britney is at the moment.)

Talking about DR and “that’s what she said” and that DR was using it improperly.

Britney enters the kitchen.  Aha -one of their “punishments” is that they have to wear hand puppets and use them whenever they are talking. If they talk without the puppet they become have-nots maybe?  (Just trying to piece this together based on bits of conversation.)  The puppets are made to resemble each houseguest.  They are really cute.

Still talking about the proper use of “that’s what she said.”  Eh – boring!

Britney wants pancakes, but no forks.  Someone suggests that she could roll them up and dip into syrup.  (good idea.)

They have beer wine.   

Ragan ragging on Rachel.  General ragging on Brendon, Rachel Kathy. 

Ragan wants to reenact stuff – wishes they had a puppet for each houseguest.  (at least Ragan isn’t pouting in the Cabana room.)

Lane suggests that Brit should braid her (puppet’s) hair; she says no, I’m not Natalie.

Britney thinks her puppet has drunk/sex eyes (sexy eyes when you’re drunk.)  Hayden agrees.  Ragan’s puppet has a bow-tie; Hayden’s has long hair.  Enzo’s is wearing a hat and has whiskers.  Lane’s is wearing a baseball cap (can’t see its face, so don’t know if it has a beard or not.)

Enzo wants to get plastered; is going to ask for more beer.  Guys are being typical guys – burping, etc. 

Showtime Commercial

Back from commercial – they are talking about maybe going to the hot tub.

Now they’re telling really lame riddles! 

Back Yard:  Hayden Lane – talking about what might happen at POV ceremony the fact that Lane is prepping Brit for the possibility that she might be the replacement.  Hayden is OK with going up too because he knows that everybody wants Ragan out.

Enzo drinking the wine directly from the bottle and is getting schnockered! 

Hayden Lane playing pool, not talking because they are not wearing their puppets. 

Enzo pontificating on ‘do or die’ time in the BB house.  Bragging about his win today.  “The meow-meow turned into a battle cat today.”  Enzo is really funny with the puppet!  Talking to his puppet “Little Meow” that he can’t trust anybody in the house except him. 

Hayden complaining that it is cold out there; Brit – it’s a cold day.  (Yes, our heat wave has moved on and we had a very mild day today.)

Britney going to take a bath – Enzo reminding her NOT TO TALK!  Guys playing pool in silence is pretty funny – boring, but funny.

And – it’s Showtime commercial time again.

We’re back to “Silent Pool Night” in the BB house.  (I really wish they would do something fun with the puppets – like make up a scenario or something.)

Now we’re watching Brit taking a Silent Bath. 

The remaining Brigade is in the LR talking about Ragan’s demise; Enzo talking about how they need brigade shirts; apparently there is a hierarchy with shirts;  so far, they only deserve white shirts; they only get black shirts with white lettering when they earn it.  Wondering ‘when’ they make final three, how do they decide who to take to final 2.  (They apparently are forgetting that Brit could win a comp.)  Now Enzo trying to figure out if it is Hayden/Lane in final 2, who would he vote for?  Hayden is convinced that one of the brigade will win the 25,000.  (Oh; to be young and naïve and have everything so neatly planned out.)

Talk turns to Matt and how he was not truly brigade, but playing for himself.  (Isn’t everybody playing for themselves in this game?)

Now they’re rehashing the HOH that Hayden won; Enzo convinced there were no planks for him to find!  (Everybody this season is convinced that the comps are not fair.)

Camera is switching back and forth between Ragan pouting by himself in the hammock and the guys talking about what they will do after one wins the 500K.  How much pull they will have to get free stuff.
The winner will take the others on a trip.  Enzo won’t pay for first class though.  Will they bring Matt or not?  Enzo still thinks that Matt was the saboteur. 

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Trevathan, a globe-trotting cat judge of 30 years who is set to judge shows in Beijing and Hong Kong in the following weeks, would examine about 225 cats at Saturdays Platinum Coast Cat Fanciers Association Cat Show.

The show, held at the Fort Myers Araba Shriners Hall, continues today.

An estimated 700 people had stopped by as of noon Saturday, with organizers expecting a few thousand over the course of the weekend.

Last years show was canceled due to the economy.

Those who attend this year will be able to peruse about 25 breeds of cat under one roof, including Siamese and Persians.

Donna Guyer, who has been breeding cats for about a decade, was at Saturdays show with two exotics, cats with fat, blunt faces and thick, short fur.

Sharing a cage, the older one, My Blue Heaven, lounged in a cat hammock hanging over the litter box while the 5-month old, Cha-Cha, slept in the corner, ignoring Guyers attempts to engage her with one of her many toys.

Its her first show and shes scared to death, she said.

Guyer has competed with dozens of cats over the years and flown to shows all over the country in the process, occasionally following judges favorable to her cats.

Sometimes if youre trying to get points, you do go to the good judges, she said. Or you try to avoid tough competition at home.

Travel costs combined with vet bills and show entry fees quickly add up, she said.

I probably spend $10,000 a year, easy, she said.

While some money is made back selling kittens, its never enough to break even, she said.

I would have been retired four years ago if it wasnt for my cats.

Others, like her friend Jay Langlois, can strike it rich.

Less than a month ago, he was offered $50,000 for Augustine, a Cream Lynx Exotic Shorthair who has produced a number of show-winning cats.

But Langlois turned the offer down because he believes Augustine will be worth much more once he produces 15 grand champions – cats who beat 75 others in their class – making him a distinguished merit cat, one of the highest honors a cat can earn.

I would like $150,000 for him and I will get that, he said.

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