Its easy to lob (occasionally) witty grenades at the filth Hollywood secretes on a weekly basis.
This column has its favorite targets: child heroes, anything with Angelina Jolie, most rom-coms, the undead and Megan Fox (temporarily), although my fingers are weeping as I type her name.
New on the Flicks hatin list is animal movies specifically comical, live-action animal movies in which the animals speak, but the humans are either completely absent or oblivious.
To be clear, Flicks is an animal-friendly column, with two dogs, three cats and one huge yet reclusive spider as its mascots. Incidentally, Im hoping the spider is reading and is planning a sudden and violent retaliation against the three bee swarms that have invaded its space.
Kitty Galore
A surprising (ie depressing) cast of voice actors are participating in Cats amp; Dogs: The Rise of Kitty Galore. Read that again, and let the name wash over you. Feels icky, doesnt it? Your brain, maybe your soul, too, feels a little like that mix of hair, soap, mold and toothpaste in your sink drain.
Bette Midler, the Divine Ms. M, star of stage and screen, American icon, is Kitty Galore, and it goes to the dogs CHA-CHING! from there. Watch Animal Planet for 10 minutes and youll be flooded by so many trailers for this catastrophe itll feel like A Clockwork Orange.
That dog is using a parachute. Cats have an underground secret base? A catnip joke. Nick Nolte. Katt Williams. Roger Moore? NPH? Nooooooooooo …
Incidentally, the guys responsible (*cough*unholysatanicpact*cough*) for this also brought forth Brother Bear, Chicken Little and Open Season.
Torturing animals is usually the first step toward increasingly horrible crimes. These guys clearly hate animals. They clearly hate children. They clearly hate the parents of those children. Do we see the pattern? Can we start the investigation? Im not saying anything.
All right, I am. Check their freezers.
Salt flops
Im not hopping from foot to foot in mustache-twirling glee, but Im happy Salt tanked. And by tanked, I mean came in not first. From Flicks perspective, second may as well be 10th or behind pre-sales for Cats amp; Dogs. If youre not No. 1 in your first week, odds are you wont be in your second and/or third.
New superheroes
Marvel has swapped two more actors in its movie universe. Tobey Maguire (Spider-Man) is out. Some British guy is in.
Ed Norton (Hulk), admittedly gathering some dust, who replaced Eric Bana in Ang Lees ill-fated pile of green slop, is out. Whos in? Isnt the choice obvious? Its Mark Ruffalo, of course.
Mark Ruffalo, of, umm … that Jennifer Garner movie … and apparently Shutter Island. Great. Well, he doesnt have to carry the film. I just hope he doesnt ruin it.
Norwich Bulletin